Sweet Nothings

Does it really mean nothing to you?

After my break-up in January, I started getting closer with a good friend. He was there for me, and we hung out and talked often. I didn't intend to fall in love with him, but like Selena Gomez sings, "the heart wants what it wants." 

The more time I spent with him, the better I got to know him, and the more I realized that he fulfilled all of the desires that my ex-boyfriend never did. We could go out to a bar to grab a drink, we could talk all night until the sunrise, and he wasn't afraid to go for a long drive or try something new. 

In all honesty, I actually started developing feelings for him while I was still with my ex, because I saw how different he was, how much more kind and compassionate he was. But I would have never acted on these feelings because I loved my ex and would have never wanted to hurt him. (I am faithful to a fault.) 

Next thing I know, my ex dumps me, and I find myself spending a magical Valentine's Day with this good friend, and many more nights together after that. 

When we first started seeing each other, it was only out of fun, and neither of us were looking for anything serious. It ended up being a "Friends with Benefits" type situation, and we were both allowed to see other people. 

I dated other men, but as you've probably read in my past posts, I had NO luck with any of them. 

So we continued casually dating, and I ended up falling madly in love with him. 

He had told me, several times, that he wasn't looking for a relationship. I respected this. 

But I couldn't help the way I felt. 

I put off telling him for some time, because I knew me confessing my love for him would make him uncomfortable and push him away. Or at least I feared this. 

Well, I was right, because shortly after I told him that I loved him, we stopped casually dating, and then he stopped talking to me. 

Our non-official relationship lasted 6 months and ended in July, but we were still friends. 

However, I often told him that I cared about him and missed him. Apparently, this was too much for him. I would sit in silence when I made such a comment, and the silence was deafening. It crushed me. 

I knew that he couldn't return my sentiments. But I felt rejected and unwanted. I knew he didn't want commitment, but he could have at least said something when I told him I missed him instead of staying quiet. 

It got to the point where in August, I texted him to let him know that I no longer felt comfortable hanging out in person, completely alone, with him. But I said I still wanted to remain friends, we could still hang out in group settings, and talk over the phone and through texts. 

He never responded, and now, it's been over 3 months since I've last seen or heard from him. 

I have sent him 12 text messages, called him 3 times, and left 3 Voicemails, but he will not respond to me. 

My heart is completely broken. 

I spent 2 weeks in August crying myself to sleep every single night over him. 

I miss him each and every single day, and I have no idea why he isn't talking to me.

I can only hope that it's because he doesn't want to lead me on or hurt me. But ironically, he doesn't seem to understand that completely cutting me out and ghosting me hurts more than anything. 

I know he's a good person, and I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt me. But I wish he would at least give me a reason why he decided to stop talking to me. I wish he would explain his reasoning, perhaps this would give me closure and help me move on. 

But instead, there's nothing. Only silence. And I wish I could be angry with him or hate him, but I can't. 

It makes me question every intimate moment we spent together.

On my previous birthday, he accompanied me and the rest of my friends to dinner, bought me a ton of drinks at the clubs and bars we hopped around, and made the night extra special. 

One night, he had seen me after I left class, and offered me a ride home. He looked at me and told me that I seemed more pale than usual, and he was worried I was sick. I told him I felt fine. Sure enough, about 20 minutes later, I had a migraine headache, which was a good indication of food poisoning. I had eaten a lot of different foods that night, and I guess the mixture did not agree with me. He took me home, let me lie down, brought me some water and Ibuprofen, and massaged my head. I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything I ate. I went back to bed, and he held me close throughout the night. When I woke up, I was in his arms, and I felt so much better. I was so moved that he had been observing me and knew I was sick before I even knew myself. And no one had ever taken care of me that way. 

On another occasion, he spent the night, and I woke up to him gently kissing the nape of my neck. It was the most pleasant and refreshing way I've ever woken up in my entire life. I thanked him and asked him if he had ever done this for any of his ex-girlfriends. He said he had, but none had ever seemed to care. It was one of the most pleasurable experiences of my life, and I cherish it dearly. 

Once he came to see me after a particularly stressful day. I let him vent to me. After he got everything off of his chest, I thanked him for sharing with me. He glanced at me, closed his eyes, and nodded. It was so cute and innocent, it made my heart melt, so I gave him a kiss. Him being so vulnerable with me was so profound and made me fall even more in love with him. 

There were many times when we first started dating that we would drive off to a secluded place late at night and make out for hours in his car. His kisses would send tingles from my scalp to the tips of my toes. I would run my fingers through his curls and gaze at his relaxed expression, taking it in, watching how much he enjoyed my touch. It was breathtaking. 

There were countless moments we'd spend cuddling each other in bed. He would graze his fingertips on my sides, making me feel so calm and warm. He would sometimes bring me in close for a very tight hug. I could feel his muscles tensing and we would both tremble in one another's arms. I sent him the song "Powerful" by Major Lazer and Ellie Goulding, and he told me it reminded him of these strong embraces.

I miss the smallest, simplest things, like kissing his cheek after a fresh shave. His skin would be so smooth and soft underneath my lips. 

Now, I sit here wondering why he won't talk to me, and pondering if these times meant anything to him. 

Is this why they call tender, affectionate moments "sweet nothings?" Is it because they truly mean nothing? Because they mean EVERYTHING to me. They mean the WORLD to me. They are all I hope and pray for. They are all I want in life. 

Like Florence Welch sings in Calvin Harris's song "Sweet Nothing:"

You took my heart, and you held it in your mouth
And,
With the word, all my love came rushing out
And,
Every whisper, it's the worst,
Emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now

And here I am, still thinking about him daily, wishing he would show up on my doorstep, and apologize, and tell me that he's ready to be with me. 

I would drop everything to give him a chance. Though I'm busier than ever right now, I would MAKE time for him and sacrifice everything if he told me he wanted to be with me. 

But he would have to earn back my trust. How would I know that he wouldn't leave again? How could I count on him?

I don't know, and it's probably silly and absurd that I even have these thoughts. But my heart aches for him. Even if I can't be with him romantically, I still valued his friendship, and its absence brings me so much sorrow. 

For him: If you're reading this, please know that I'm not angry with you. I just miss you and want you back in my life. Please contact me. 

I truly feel like he's the love of my life, the "one that got away," and I don't think I've ever cared about anyone else as deeply as I care about him. 

But I guess it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. </3

Thanks for reading.

"Be Kind to Yourself"

In my depression, creative writing is my greatest solace and catharsis.

With inspiration from Rupi Kaur (the poet featured above), I wrote the below piece:


"Be Kind to Yourself"

Be kind to yourself, 
Be soft & gentle. 
Don't beat yourself up, 
Learn to recognize your potential. 

Feed yourself the finest foods, 
& dress yourself in the nicest clothes. 
Even for the things you cannot afford, 
Treat yourself with what you hold. 

Don't listen to the negativity, the toxicity, of others. 
Let the light shine within yourself. 
When you are feeling down and worthless, 
You are failing to see your own wealth. 

Be kind to yourself. 
Be who you are & do what you aspire to do. 
Love and care for every part of your being. 
Because often, the world will not be kind to you. 

              - Sky Lea Ross

Thanks for reading. <3

Unacceptable; The Disgusting Side of Online Dating

In 2017, our generation's technology has bastardized dating.

There is no romance, passion, or class anymore. It is true, chivalry is dead. (and it's probably been dead for a while.)

Wanna see what rape culture in the U.S. looks like?

I'll show you below:

Here are screenshots of actual messages I've received from men on the dating apps Tagged and Hot or Not. I am not censoring these men's faces because I think they should be known for sending such unwanted offensive, sexually explicit messages.

This guy and I were supposed to "chill" one weekend, but then he decided to send this message and an unsolicited dick pic.

The above messages are direct examples of misogyny, sexual objectification, and toxic hyper-masculinity in action.

This is what we have to look forward to as women on dating apps. Many men think they have the right to make unwarranted advances like these above and don't see any problem with them at all.

This is NOT okay. It is unacceptable.

It sickens me. I am truly outraged.

There are men like these who make their disrespect and crudity blatantly obvious. 

Then there are men who are more discreet. They don't go so far as to send these types of messages. They may appear as gentlemen. But as soon as you go on a date with them, their true colors are revealed. 

I went on a date recently with a man I met on OkCupid. His name was Hamlet. We decided to buy some drinks and just chat in his car. We talked about his interest in herbal remedies and medicine, and after I disclosed that I take medication for my Bipolar I Disorder, he said his mother had the disorder as well, but refused to take her meds. About twenty minutes into the conversation, he tried to grab my head to push it down so I would perform oral sex. I told him I didn't know him well enough and this made me uncomfortable. He sighed and whined, "I never tell anyone about my mother." He sulked in the corner, stared at the floor, and ignored me for the next five minutes before driving me home. 

He thought that by sharing a bit of his personal life, I would be willing to give him a sexual favor in exchange for getting to know him better. How ridiculous is this!? 

I didn't hear from him for an entire week, and finally he texted me. He called me "impersonal," "rude," and "selfish" for not being sure if I wanted to see him again. 

I went on another date only a couple of weeks ago with a handsome Lyft driver I met named Issam. He was Morrocan and moved to the U.S. 6 years ago. He was very attractive, intelligent, and charming. He spoke 4 languages fluently (Arabic, Spanish, French, and English) and seemed very kind and friendly. We texted each other all day for 4 days straight, then met up to go on a date. We had such a great time, just drinking and talking, and even made a couple of friends at the bar we were at. We were having so much fun. 

Everything was going fine until I took him home later that night. 

He became extremely violent, rough, and aggressive. He was hurting me and I had to beg him to stop. He became insistent and annoyed with me, called me "bossy", said I had "too many rules" and shouted that I was "rude." He called me this simply for asking him to stop hurting me! 

He ran out of my place, stormed off, and left without saying goodbye. 

I was in complete shock that what seemed to be such a courteous and educated man turned into a monster. 

This is what I deal with whenever I go out on a date. This is what I have to prepare for in order to protect myself. 

So to my fellow females reading this post, be careful who you meet and trust on these dating apps/sites. I'd hate to tell you this since it is ingrained in us as young girls over and over again by our own parents, teachers, and the media, but these men are unpredictable, and some are dangerous. 

To the men reading this, please, do better! If you treat women like this online or in person, don't! If you have friends who treat women like this, please stop them. Teach them how to have respect, class, and decency! 

I am trying to keep my faith alive in meeting someone of quality who will treat me right and be my equal, but it is really difficult, especially after all of the horrible experiences I've been having lately. 

But I am staying hopeful, no matter how may times I get hurt. 

Wish me luck. (Because I'll need it.) 

Thanks for reading. 

When the Love Grows Cold. . .

Earlier in January, I ended a year and a half long relationship with the man I initially thought was my soulmate.

There is a quotation by the inspirational Maya Angelou that comes to mind as I write this. It goes: "When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time." 

Perhaps that's what I should have done.

But perhaps I was blinded by love, as usual. Or just saw and accepted his flaws and continued to love him. I try to see the best in others and always give them the benefit of the doubt. But this can be done to a fault, and cause you to get taken advantage of.

Alas, yet another failed romance to add to my collection. </3
(Uh, you think I'm kidding, huh? Nah, for real though, I have a PowerPoint presentation on my laptop titled "Hopeless Romances; The Many Failed Relationships of Sky Lea Ross." This one is just the longest lasting and most recent! *shaking my head, rolling my eyes*)

I'll cut to the chase, and get to the story.

We had been having problems since October.

I currently reside in a transitional housing program for former foster youth. My lease is a year and a half long. All of 2016, my ex and I were planning to move in together, preferably by December or January the latest. I had been DREAMING about it, so eager to start my life with him. Fantasizing about it every night. It gave me something to look forward to. (Though I have a roof over my head, let's just say my living conditions are not the most favorable.)

But then comes October, when we're mindlessly cuddling naked in bed, and he turns to me and says, "You know, I've realized that moving in together is optional, not mandatory."

My jaw drops. To my complete surprise and utter shock, I respond with "What do you mean?"

He explains that he had discussed moving in with me with his best friend, was having second thoughts about it, and received the validation he needed for his concerns.

So I told him he better think it through and reach a decision, because my future was dependent upon his choice.

At the time, I had no other family or friends to move in with. I had no outside financial support. I was trying to find a decent one-bedroom apartment in Pasadena, and everything was waaaaay out of my price range. So it was hopeless.

He thinks it over, and within a couple days, I get my answer. (Nope, not the one I was looking for.)

He tells me that the answer is "No." He's changed his mind and no longer wishes to move in with me.

He had 3 primary reasons:

1) Finances - He was in the process of completing his undergraduate degree in Psychology. He had worked a dead-end museum job for the past 4 years and was ready to use his education to find something new and promising. Plus, he was continuing to pay off his car payments, which would have been done June of this year. He thought that moving in with me would be too much of a financial burden.

2) Family - He admitted to me that if he were to move out, he would most likely cut off all contact with his parents. This is not something he wanted to do, out of guilt for one, but also because they promised to pay for his graduate schooling, So he wanted to stay on good terms with them and didn't know how moving in with me would affect their relationship.

3) Comfort and Familiarity - He had been living in his current house for over 10 years. Hadn't moved since. Had never fully been on his own, completely independent from family support. This was something he was anxious to give up.

I was hurt and brokenhearted. He had just ripped apart and crushed the dream that I was living off of for almost the entire year. But despite that, I wanted to move on and accept his reasons with respect and humility.

We had a very difficult conversation about this. At one point, he stood up and said he was going to walk out and never come back again. All because I had asked for some space.

He misinterpreted my request. I was feeling numb and void of love for him, but when he made that proclamation, all of my love came rushing back, and I begged him not to go. I was hurt, devastated, and upset, but I didn't want to lose him over this!

So we tried to work things out the best we could. Got into an even deeper dialogue about our personality types and behavior patterns. I thought we learned a lot about each other and were stronger because of it.

Fast forward to January.

He had officially graduated with his Bachelor's in Psychology in December. He applied for a Behavioral Specialist job and got it within a couple of weeks. He put it his 2 week notice to his employers at the museum and was now making $15 an hour. His grandmother was transferred into assisted living, and so his parents sold her house. With the money, they were able to pay off all of his car payments, completely. Now, it's no longer an expense he has to worry about. Plus, his parents are so proud of him for applying to graduate programs, unlike his brother who lacks ambition and is irresponsible with his finances.

His life seemed to be looking up.

But mine seemed to be only getting harder.

My dear good friend, Marigold, who I've known for 10 years now, was willing and ready to move in with me. So I took to the internet to look at apartment listings. We would share a one-bedroom, she would pay more for the room, and I would convert the living room into my own space. It sounded super undesirable, but it was all we could afford.

I started browsing through the listings and was only able to find more disappointment. I became stressed out and overwhelmed.

My ex stopped by to pick me up from work that day. It was his 3rd day on the new job and he had some difficulty finding parking. This minor stressor made him want to come see me and relax. But he didn't get what he was expecting.

I was emotionally triggered. Looking through all of the unaffordable apartment listings was jarring. It reminded me of how devastated I was when he decided not to move in with me.

I wouldn't have been in that situation if it weren't for him. You see, there is a difference in privilege. He has financial support from family. I have none.

To me, he WAS my family. And he bailed on me.

I apologized to him for being in such an awful mood. But I was seriously desperate to find a place, and it looked like it wasn't going to happen. (BTW, it still hasn't happened. But that's another story.)

I told him that I still had A LOT of resentment towards him for changing his mind, especially so late into the year. But I was processing this in Therapy, trying to get over it and mend the broken parts of our relationship back together.

We talked it through, he wasn't very happy, but I was to get everything off of my chest.
We cuddled and spooned later that night. I thought we were on good terms.

But he brought it up again later that week, the next time I saw him.

He told me that seeing me like that after his stressful day at work made him feel "attacked" and was so "unbearable" for him, that it reminded him of dealing with his father's alcoholic episodes.

I was outraged to hear this. I never meant to make him feel any of that, but I am not his father. I am not an alcoholic who turns into a monster, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

I was simply upset, feeling completely alone in the apartment hunting process without his help, and I wouldn't have been in that situation if it weren't for him changing his mind, so last minute too.

Like I explained, his worries with "Finances" and "Family" were no longer a problem. The only thing preventing him from moving in with me now was "Comfort and Familiarity." (in his own words)

The thing is, if he were to move in with me, he would live with me rent free for 6 months. (My housing program would be paying half of my rent for that time, and I would be paying off the other half myself. I wouldn't expect any help from him unless he was willing and able to pitch in. That was going to be his time to adapt and become comfortable with his new job and his new environment. I had this all thought out.)

I wanted to create a sanctuary for us, where we could make our own "Comfort and Familiarity," with each other. He wouldn't have to live with his alcoholic father, cynical mother, or idiotic brother anymore. He could live with me instead, and I would do anything in my power to make him happy and feel at home.(and I MEAN that) It would be our home. It would be my first home, as I've never had a place I've ever really considered home before. (Except all of SoCal, Pasadena, and UCLA, I've never had an actual living space that I could call home.)

After this secondary discussion, I grew soooo angry. He was basically hurt by me for being hurt by him! I was the one he let down. And yet, he was upset with me for being upset with him! (Oh, the irony!)

Whenever my ex did or said something to hurt my feelings, I had to ask for an apology. He never once offered it automatically. (at least that's the way it seemed. Forgive me if my memory fails me. I am not a perfect being.)

After he decided not to move in with me, I didn't see much remorse from him, though when I asked, he did apologize. Though it never felt genuine. It was brief and straight to the point. Never heartfelt.

And now I was distressed trying to find an apartment with a friend, it looking so unlikely, and all I wanted was support from him, but he couldn't give it to me.

That was another issue. The lack of support. For him, I believe it was a  chore to support me. Emotionally and Physically.

So I called my bestie Jennifer and told her how angry and frustrated I was with him. How could he be so mad at me when he's the one who hurt ME!? It wasn't fair.

So I declared that I would tell him the next day how angry I was. I sent him a polite text to warn him first, so he wouldn't be caught off guard like the last time.

It was Sunday night, I had woken up at 3:30pm, taken a shower to get ready for him, and saw him as he got off work. We spent the entire time talking. From 5:50pm-10:33pm. I didn't even get the chance to eat a meal.

The first 20-30 mins of our discussion were just me venting how angry I was at him for all of the above mentioned reasons. But I ended my rant with telling him how much I loved him, how much this relationship meant to me, and how I wanted to do everything in my power to work on our relationship. The response I got from him was completely unwarranted.

I expressed that perhaps we had unrealistic expectations of each other, and perhaps we could fix this. He just got even angrier, folded his arms, and like a pre-teen, exclaimed, "I'm angry! This relationship sucks!"

I said, "is it really the entire relationship that sucks? Or just these problems we've been having? Because we've been happy for quite some time."

I was desperate to repair our relationship. I suggested couples therapy. He rejected it.

I found this heavily ironic and hypocritical, considering the fact that he wanted his mother to get help, and she refused, which really hurt him. So why would he refuse the opportunity to get help with me that could potentially salvage our relationship? (Especially when he's going to school to become a therapist, just like I am.)

For the next remaining hours, he simply sat on my bed, very hot headed, and as I persistently asked what to do to make things better, he would only reply with an "I don't know."

I pleaded, I asked him over and over again if there was anything I could do to make him feel better and to save our relationship. I only kept getting the same "I don't know" from him.

Until I didn't.

He finally said, "You know what, I do know. I know that I can make myself happy."

Perplexed, I asked him to explain. He said that though he is more mechanical and logical, he is also philosophical. And to him, this meant that he believed happiness was meant to be pursued alone.

I told him that I am philosophical too, I've read literature on the pursuit of love and happiness (Can I get a Don Miguel Ruiz anyone?) I know, too, that happiness is something we create by ourselves. But the most happiness we can have is when we share ours with others. I told him that yes, I wanted us to pursue our happiness individually and independently, but come together and share it with one another.

He replied by telling me that "this relationship was impeding and threatening" his "happiness."

I was shocked and confused. I didn't understand. I asked him for clarification.

He said that this relationship, in comparison with his last ones (including one where a girl physically abused him, one where a girl was a drug addict, and one where a girl was super demanding and gendered and expected him to pay for everything) caused him more pain.

This hurt me so much to hear. I have NEVER done anything to intentionally, deliberately, or purposely hurt him EVER! I LOVED him more than anything or anyone in this universe. He meant EVERYTHING to me. And even if I accidentally said or did something hurtful, I apologized PROFUSELY and cried. It hurt me to hurt him in any way. Hurting him was the LAST thing I would ever willingly do.

I asked him where this was coming from. I couldn't make sense of it. The only real problem we had was with him changing his mind about moving in with me. (Or so I thought.)

He said we had many other problems. I asked, "Like what?"

He said that he tried holding me when I cried, even though it was "out of his nature."

What kind of man has trouble holding his girlfriend when she's crying? Helping her in her time of need? Consoling and comforting her?

That shouldn't be a problem.

I told him that maybe he was saying this out of anger. It happened the last time, back in October when he said he was going to leave and never come back again. I said maybe he didn't truly mean it this time.

He responded, "You think this is the first time I've thought about leaving you? I've thought about leaving you several times. I just thought it was worthwhile to stay, but now I see that it's not anymore."

That crushed me like a ton of bricks.

I was crying and looking around my room, trying to figure out how to quell this situation.

I said, "You know, I've had doubts about our relationship too. But you know what I do? I read the poems you wrote for me. Why don't you read them over and maybe it will remind you of the love we have for each other?"

He asked, "Where are they?"

I took them out of the drawer I kept them in and handed one to him. He looked it over for a few seconds, just scanning through the lines, not really reading it, and briskly handed it back to me.

"I know what it says, I'm the one who wrote it!"

"Okay, well what do you think?"

"These words, they mean nothing. I pick and choose words that will please you, but they're empty. They don't mean anything to me."

I was crushed even deeper into the ground than before.

"What? I.  .  . I don't understand."

"Sky, you know how you said you would do anything for me? Like, you would go to jail for me, or take a bullet for me, or die for me? I wouldn't do any of those things for you. I wouldn't do anything for you."

My heart sank in my chest and I could feel the already shattered parts breaking into even tinier shards.

It was one hurtful thing after the next.  I was in disbelief. I couldn't believe that the person who I once thought was the man of my dreams was saying so many hurtful things to me, one after another.

At one point, I don't remember when, I frantically got on my knees and begged him to try and fix our relationship with me. I cried so hard and asked him, "Don't you see how much I love you? Don't you see how much you mean to me?"

He said, "Again, I'm more mechanical and logical. So yes, I see that you love and care about me, but it really doesn't do anything for me. You have to be more practical."

So I got off of my knees and started listing all of the pros and cons of our relationship, and why it's worth fighting for and keeping.

He disagreed.

So this was it. I was tired of begging and pleading. He made himself clear that he wouldn't do anything for me like I would for him. So I asked him one final time.

"Alright, well do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to be with me?"

"No."

"Alright, so you want to break up?"

"Yes."

"Alright, well, if you don't want to be with me, and I 'impede' and 'threaten' your happiness, and you think you're better off alone. Then go."

He wouldn't get up from the bed.

"You said you don't want to be with me anymore. You said I cause you pain. Then this relationship is over. Here, take this."

I handed him back the promise ring.

"Are you sure you don't want to keep this?"

"This ring symbolized my promise to spend the rest of my life with you. And now, it literally means nothing. So no, take it. I don't want it anymore. Just go."

He still lingered! He wouldn't leave!

He stood up from the bed, rolling the ring around in his hand, and looked at me.

"You know, I really cared about you."

I laughed. "You obviously didn't! Just go! I'm never speaking to you again, but you still have my phone number and email."

He walked towards the door.

"So this is it? You want me to just go?"

"You said you don't want to be with me anymore. So why are you still here?! Just leave!"

Finally, he looked down, then back up at me, and said, "Bye Sky." Then he walked out the door and closed it behind himself.

And that was it, the last I've seen of him.

One minute, you're in a what you think is a loving relationship with a man you consider your equal. You think you're going to spend the rest of your lives together and get married someday. Share a house together.

The next minute, you're single again like it never happened. It was all a dream.

Crazy how life works that way. Constantly changing, every day.

That may be the end of our love story, but it's certainly not the end for me. I simply closed a chapter in my life, only to begin a new one.  .  .

I wrote this poem a couple of weeks after our break up:

"Free"

We made an investment,
we planted a seed;
we nourished it
gave it whatever it would need.

But your lack of compassion
and selfish greed
was counterintuitive;
it had to impede 
all of our growth
that was meant to succeed. 

But despite our downfall and my pain that you see, 
I am not broken.
I am still free.

I thought there was so much 
that we could achieve.
But you led me on
and made me believe
that our romance was lasting
and I was relieved. 
But your promises were empty
all you did was deceive. 
 
You look at me with anguish
like I tormented you so
when I did nothing but love you, 
and you let me go! 

Despite the loss and its tragedy,
I am not broken. 
I am still free.

I'm still whole on my own, 
one with unity. 
I still love myself,
you'll never take that from me.

I might have said I needed him, but I never did. I don't need anyone. I just want someone.

Never again will I ever get on my knees for a man. Especially one who isn't worth my time.

And looking back at our relationship, I realize how selfish he was.

Small things that mattered to me, he wouldn't do. Like wear a little cologne once in a while, or watch one of my favorite movies or TV shows, fulfill sexual fantasies, etc. I would do whatever he wanted because I enjoyed catering to his desires and needs. But he would not do the same for me. He was right when he said he wouldn't do anything for me. He never did.

I am not as hurt by him as I am shocked. But in hindsight, it all makes sense. He's learned how to shut his emotions down completely. And that is why something as simple as holding me when I cry is so overwhelming for him.

He says I caused him pain, but I didn't. I exposed him to my pain, and my struggles, and that was too much for him to handle, so he left.

I will not let another failed relationship define or destroy me. I refuse to stop loving.

I am an immensely passionate, caring, affectionate, sensual, intimate and loving person. And I've been hurt many times before, but I refuse to close myself off and stop believing in the magic of romance and soulmates. I will not shut down like he did.

So my ex-lover, I hope you enjoy going back to your colorless life. I will continue to love on, without you.

Thanks for reading. <3

Physical Touch

Disclaimer: Don't assume that this post is about raunchy, passionate, sinful lust and sexuality, 'cause it's not. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's more about the innocence of childhood. (and how it can be lost.)

          I recently read the book The Five Love Languages by the renown marriage counselor Gary Chapman. In his writing, he discusses how the ways we love one another are expressed through languages, being Words of Affirmation (i.e. verbal praise, compliments, reassurance, etc.) Quality Time (self explanatory), Receiving Gifts, (not necessarily expensive jewelry, but even cards, flowers, sentimental tokens of affection which might not cost anything), Acts of Service (doing favors for each other, such as making dinner or doing the dishes), and Physical Touch (which is not necessarily sex, but hugging, kissing, holding hands, massages etc.) Chapman elucidates that we all have a primary love language in which we wish to receive love, and it is important that in a relationship, the partners are aware of each others' love language and communicate effectively in order to have a lasting, healthy, and happy commitment. It's a very eye-opening, moving, and insightful read.

A MUST read for anyone in a relationship!

I knew about the subject matter long before reading the book and took the test online to discover my own dominant love languages.

It's not a shocker that "Physical Touch" was my primary result, with "Words of Affirmation" close behind. But I would argue that "Quality Time" is also very important to me, and though I scored a 0 in "Receiving Gifts", I do enjoy receiving a nice, thoughtful, and practical gift every now and then, though it's not necessary for me to love someone. 

I would also argue that our primary love languages in romantic relationships can be very different from our love languages in friendships and between family members. And we might even communicate in a way that doesn't convey our own dominant love language. For instance, with my friends and family, "Quality Time" and "Words of Affirmation" mean a lot to me. And I tend to give many small gifts to whoever I view as a close friend or relative. But either way, the book and the test are very helpful at discerning the primary way in which you accept and express love. 

Gary Chapman also wrote a version of the book that discusses the love languages of children and how parents should use them in nurturing and understanding their child's needs. He touches slightly on this in his initial book. 

Upon learning this, I read:

"Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, the message will be far louder than the words 'I hate you' or 'I love you.' A slap in the face is detrimental to any child, but it is devastating to a child whose primary love language is touch." (Chapman, pgs. 105-106)

This passage resonated with me because it summarized my childhood, or the loss of one. 

My mother struck me in the face so often, for the most minuscule and trivial reasons. I was slapped in the face if I spilled juice on the floor, didn't clean the house fast enough, forgot to put my toys away, refused to wear an outfit I wasn't comfortable in, asking for some candy at the grocery store, playing outside without asking permission, you name it! All I ever wanted was to impress her, make her proud of me. I made small gifts for her often. Cards with drawings, crafts, poems, I might have even saved up my allowance to go to the store an buy her a nice watch or her favorite snack. But nothing ever made a difference. I was repaid day after day with multiple slaps in the face, and now, she wonders why I no longer wish to have a relationship with her. She denies ever laying a finger on me though there are many witnesses who know otherwise. 

I am currently taking a Family Violence class in my Marriage and Family Therapy Master's program, and in the textbook, Family Violence in the United States; Defining, Understanding, and Combating Abuse, I came across these questions in the chapter dedicated to "Child Maltreatment":

"[...]Must injury occur in order for a behavior to be labelled physically abusive? Is risk of injury enough? What if no physical injury occurs, but the child is slapped on a daily basis for no apparent reason?" (Hines, Malley-Morrison, and Dutton, pg. 34) 

Reading this passage was eerie because it was like my mother ripped the words right off of the page. She used to often say to me, "No one abuses you here on a daily basis." as a way of justifying her actions and brainwashing me into thinking that I had never been slapped by her, her brother, or mother. 

But why would someone feel the need to say that if it were true?

It is highly ironic that someone who claims to be non-threatening also used to say "Do you want me to smack you?" to a defenseless child whenever she felt disgruntled. 

My answers to those above questions: No, physical injury does not have to occur for a behavior to be labelled physically abusive. Yes, risk of injury is enough. I was that child who was slapped on the face, almost daily, for no warranted reason, and let me tell you, it may not leave a noticeable mark, but the psychological scars are enough to last a lifetime. 

I was severely traumatized as a child, she instilled so much fear and hurt in me that left me depressed for years and anxiety ridden, but there were some effects I didn't even recognize until more recently. 

During my Junior year in high school, I remember my boyfriend at the time raised his hand to brush it against my cheek, and I immediately moved away. I flinched. My reflexes caused me to quickly back away. My best friend at the time was in the background and saw what had happened. She reassured me, "He was only trying to embrace you." I was shocked. I apologized. I hadn't even thought of that. I was so used to dodging slaps that I was fearful of my own boyfriend trying to hit me when he was only trying to greet me with a caress upon the cheek. I remember this moment like yesterday even though it was over 5 years ago. 

While dating, I became so vulnerable. Whenever I received non-sexual, "Physical Touch" from men, if there was chemistry and I felt comfortable, I became obsessed. I immediately fell in love with them and became addicted. I craved more and more. And when those brief interactions ended, and I never spoke to them again, I felt abandoned and broken. I went through withdrawals. I was so deprived of proper love and affection that I sought it from strangers who ended up leaving me and damaging me even more.

I had to close myself off to shield myself from the pain of becoming close, getting attached, and losing it all, again and again. Until I found the right person, gained trust, felt safe/secure, and knew it was viable. But of course, that took time.

I'm a big girl, now. I'm a capable and successful adult. But I can't forget where I came from and who it made me. The ramifications of abuse are residual. Even though a child grows into their own person and leaves their abusers behind, the abuse itself stays with them, buries itself in the depth of their psyche and remains a part of them. So I forgive, but I do not forget. I have overcome many obstacles, but I am still healing, with time.

Thanks for reading. 

The Gender and Sexuality Spectrum (LGBTQQIAAP+)

June is National Pride Month, in memory of the 1969 Stonewall riots, which sparked the fight for civil rights within the Queer community.

Much like the beautiful colors of the rainbow, sexuality & gender lie on a spectrum. Do you know what each letter of the LGBTQQIAAP+ acronym stands for? If not, let me break it down for you! 

The "Lipstick Lesbian" Flag

Lesbian – any woman attracted to other women (the term was derived from the history of the Greek island of Lesbos, where a renowned poet named Sappho lived and wrote fondly and erotically about her love of women in 6th century B.C.)

The "Gay Pride" Flag

Gay – refers to any one of a same-sex orientation, but specifically of male gender (men attracted to other men) 

The "Bisexuality" Flag

Bisexual – anyone attracted to more than one gender

The "Transgender" Flag

Transgender – People who identify with a different gender than that assigned to them by society based on their biological sex. Gender is a social construct, not to be confused with “Sex.” Sex is of a physical nature while “Gender” is mental/emotional. Included within this category are people who consider themselves Transsexual (using hormones or surgery to gain physiological attributes of the opposite sex, transgender men & transgender women), Agender, Gender-Non-conforming, and Gender Fluid.

The "Queer Pride" Flag

Queer - People who don’t want to label themselves by their sexual acts but do want ownership in being different. Reclaimed from a hate term, the word “Queer” can still be highly offensive, depending on usage. Queer can also be used as an umbrella term to denote the entire community or an individual within it.  

Questioning – anyone still working out their sexual orientation or gender identity.

The "Intersexuality" Flag

Intersex – anyone born with a body not clearly identifiable as female or male. In some cases, this may be known as a hermaphrodite, though this term is more often used as a scientific description of animals, not suitable for humans. 

The "Asexuality" Flag

Asexual – anyone who does not feel sexually attracted to anyone else. However, the Asexual, or “Ace” community has its own spectrum and may include individuals who are interested in romantic relationships, but not sex. For instance, if you are in the Asexual category, you can be considered “Gray” meaning you are between Asexual or Sexual, or you can be Demisexual, in which you need a strong emotional attachment in order to be sexually attracted to someone. When it comes to romance, you can be Hetero-Romantic, Homo-Romantic, Bi-Romantic, Pan-Romantic, A-Romantic, etc. 

Asexual Romanticism can seem a bit complex. 

The "Straight Ally" Flag

Ally – Any straight or cisgender person who supports the queer community.

The "Pansexuality" Flag

Pansexual – the prefix "pan" meaning "any," a person who can develop attraction to any gender. Often interested in others based on personality and not sexual orientation/identity or gender expression/identity. Often has attraction with an emphasis on androgyny, non-binary folx, or alternative gender identities aside from cisgender men & women primarily. 

The “+” or “Plus sign” in the acronym is used to represent all other sexualities/gender identities not already featured. Those may encompass any of the following:

The "Two Spirit" (2S) Flag

Two Spirit - Two-spirit. The visionaries & healers of aboriginal communities, the gay & lesbian shamans. Known to fulfill a "3rd gender" role within indigenous cultures. (Sometimes added to the acronym, represented by “2S”)

The "Polyamory" Flag

Polyamorous – anyone interested or capable of having multiple relationships at once, ethically. (Opposite of Monogamous.) Not to be confused with Polygamy, which means having many marriages.

Metrosexual - a young, urban, heterosexual male with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, & a refined sense of taste.

The "Bear" Flag

Bear, Otter, Wolf, and Cub – Within the Gay male community, there are classifications based on body type/appearance. For instance, a Bear is considered a man who is husky, thick, and covered in body hair. You can do more research in case you’re interested in learning about the others. (Check out this website: Gay Men, Are you a Jock, Otter, Bear, or Wolf? )

Sapiosexual – anyone interested in or sexually attracted to others’ intelligence

The "Gynephilia" Flag

The "Androphilia Flag"

Gynephilia and Androphilia: behavioral science terms that can be used as an alternative to heterosexuality and homosexuality. Androphilia is the attraction to men or masculine qualities, while Gynephilia signifies being attracted to women or feminine qualities. 

The "Autosexuality" Flag

Autosexual: a person who is not necessarily attracted to others sexually or successful at responding to others sexually, but can satisfy themselves through touch (i.e. masturbation) Term coined by Bernard Apfelbaum in his research on sex therapy.

The "Polysexuality" Flag

Polysexual – being attracted to many sexes. Both Bisexuality and Pansexuality are regarded as forms of Polysexuality.

The "Skoliosexuality" Flag

Skoliosexual – being attracted to someone who does not fit the gender binary. (as in finding someone who is not Cisgender attractive, like falling in love with a person who is Transgender for instance)

The "Androgyny" Flag

Androgynous – someone whose gender or sex is ambiguous or not easily identifiable. I think Jeffree Star is a great example of this.

Jeffree Star being his fierce, fabulous, androgynous self!

The "Lithromantic" Flag

Lithromantic – a person who may theoretically enjoy romantic relationships, but is not necessarily sexual. This identity may also include someone who becomes romantically attached to others but does not want it to be reciprocated. Part of the Ace, Gray-romantics spectrum. 

The "Demiromantic" Flag

Demiromantic – a person who can only develop a romantic (non-sexual) attraction for someone if they have a strong emotional connection. (Like the romantic version of Demisexual, also part of the Ace, Gray-romantics spectrum)

The "Neutrois" Flag

Neutrois – a person who considers themselves genderless. May include Agender/Gender-Nonconforming. (part of the Transgender spectrum)

And there are several other gender identities/sexual orientations that may not be determined or named.

For more information on the LGBTQQIAAP+ spectrum, visit Gay Explained: The LGBTQQIAAP+ Community or your local LGBT Center. 

Thanks for Reading! <3 

I am a Pan-Romantic Demisexual (My Coming Out Story)

The Pan-Romantic Demisexual Flag, courtesy of "Pride Flags for Us" Tumblr Page

When I was a young girl, I truly believed I was straight. My family didn't go to church, nor were they especially religious in any way, but I did do bible study lessons which I received in the mail by an organization called the Child Evangelism Fellowship Mailbox Club (CEF). This was convenient since I didn’t get out of the house much. But it did make me the subject of ridicule by some who knew, who would joke, “You’ve got mail, from Jesus!”

I considered myself an adamant Christian at the age of 8 and was strict about avoiding premarital sex throughout my pre-teen to young adult years. I honestly thought that being gay was a sin. Besides that, it didn't help that my own mother told me, "If you're a lesbian, I will disown you. God forbid you be something despicable like a criminal or a lesbian."

I had my first crush on a boy in first grade. His name was Joseph and he was very cute, but he smelled nasty. During a class autobiographical presentation, he told everyone that he had a pet skunk, which explained why. I worked with him on one project and felt excited, but that was the extent of our association. I had several crushes on other boys throughout elementary school, but in middle school, I completely lost interest. (I mean, boys were gross. They would roll around in the dirt and not wash their hands. I’m a germaphobe, can you tell?!)

In high school, I had what I called a "Cuties List" of 10 guys who I thought were the hottest in the whole school, and it was my mission to talk to all of them and befriend as many as I could so that I could potentially enter into a relationship with one. I got to know more than half of them, learned that many were jerks, was able to have failed relationships with two and got slapped in the face by reality.

I remember during my junior year, there was a beautiful girl in my physics class. I was considered the smartest student in the class, so many of the struggling seniors would come to me during class for help with their assignments. Most only wanted to copy off of me, which I was fine with at the time since I understood they needed to pass in order to graduate. It was a bit annoying, but I shared my answers with them anyway. But one of the seniors was so beautiful. I think she was Latinx, maybe mixed with something else, I don't know what. But she had pale skin, long, silky, wavy, luminescent black hair, and big, dark, brown eyes. (A total Morticia Addams vibe) I would zone out and stare at her during class. I think she noticed, and maybe was a bit weirded out or creeped out by it, but she didn't seem to care, because she knew I was cool since I let her copy off of my homework. I thought at the time that I was just envious of her beautiful features and gorgeous hair. I had always imagined having long, straight, luxurious hair myself, so I convinced myself I was only admiring her appearance, nothing more. But now I realize that this was my first crush on a woman.

I had a best friend in high school who was bisexual, and she constantly asked me out, but I refused. I just wasn't into her like that and I told her I didn't "go that way." We made out once because I was going out on a date with a mutual guy friend and wanted to perfect my kissing skills. I may tell everyone else I know that the date is where I had my first kiss, but the truth is that my first kiss was with her. I just didn't regard it as a true "first kiss" since I had no feelings for her and only did it to gauge my skills.

I dated a few guys during high school, had horrible relationships, and then resorted to dating sites online. I still had no luck and many uncomfortable experiences, all with men. But in New York, I had my biggest crush on a girl ever!

I went to New York for a summer abroad in college. While there, one of my classmates was this beautiful blonde chick, fair skinned, thin frame, with sea blue eyes and a short, perky hair cut that showcased her blonde locks. She looked like a supermodel! I stared at her often, whenever we were out on a tour or in between classes. She had a boyfriend, of course, who looked like a more muscular and rugged version of Ryan Reynolds, so I stayed away. But again, I just thought that I was drawn to her because I adored her looks. It wasn't until I started having dreams and fantasies about marrying her that I realized it was more than that. I was having feelings for this girl, she was super sweet and friendly. I really didn't talk to her much during the trip, but when I did, she was such an amicable person. I even spent my spare time writing a song about her! I told my aunt and grandmother and they laughed it off, thinking I was joking around. I learned later that I wasn't.

After the experience, I went home to my cousins. I simply told them that if a girl asked me out, I wouldn't hesitate to date her and give her a chance. My youngest cousin threatened to punch me. I didn't bring up the subject again.

I pondered it for another year before I finally realized that I was pansexual. The prefix "pan" is Greek for "all" or "any", referring to any human, regardless of their gender identity or expression. Pansexuality falls under the bi umbrella. I know for myself, it’s more so based on personalities and aesthetics. For many of us, there is a bit of an emphasis placed on diverse genders and more androgynous traits or appearances. I started to notice that I was attracted most to cisgender men, cisgender women, femme men, and transgender men and women (MTF & FTM). But I still wasn't sexually active or willing to engage in sexual relations with just anyone. This then made me realize that I am also demisexual. A demisexual is a person who cannot develop sexual attraction unless they have a deep, emotional connection with another person. The prefix "demi" means "halfway", referring to being in the middle of sexual and asexual. (It is a part of the asexual, or “ace” spectrum) This rang especially true for me as I might think a person is good looking, but I will not be truly attracted to them until I get to know them, become intellectually stimulated and develop a strong emotional bond. (You could also consider me a sapiosexual as I am attracted to intelligence as well.) 

So, I now know that I am a pan-romantic demisexual. (Some would call us “pan-demics”, LOL) I have come out to everyone I know and have since received acceptance and support. A majority of my relationships have been with men, but it is no longer because I am conforming to society's standards. I didn't choose to fall in love with them, but I did. I am happy that my sexuality enables me to not discriminate against a person's gender identity or expression and gives me the capability of falling in love with anyone. It wasn't until I understood this and accepted it that I was able to fully achieve self-love. <3

I know that despite how far we’ve come as a society, in the current political climate we’re in, not everyone is able to be out. It isn’t safe for everyone to put their sexual identity on public display. But I try my best to live authentically and unapologetically because I know not everyone can. For those who can’t let their voice be heard, let me be out, loud, and proud for all of us.

Happy Pride! 

PRIDE!

 Thanks for Reading. = )