Monday, April 7, 2014

The Birthday Blues

Hi all!

Soooo sorry I've been sooo gone for sooo long! I was super busy with Finals at the end of last quarter and then I was taking a staycation from everything during Spring Break and settling in during the first week of this quarter, but now I can continue posting juicy stuff!

April is my month! Yep, I'm an April baby, which I love because the Spring is always a beautiful season and I'm definitely an Aries at heart and Diamonds are indeed a girl's best friend. ;)

However, even so, my Birthday has always been something I've dreaded. For as long as I can remember, it's always been a day I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Not just because I'm not too used to others celebrating me or paying sooo much attention to me, but because something has always gone wrong. During my 8th Birthday, my grandmother soiled herself at my cousin's house, causing the entire place to reek and forcing us to air it out and have everyone temporarily evacuate because the odor was that pungent and disgusting. Though all of my friend's parents were laughing it off, it was extremely embarrassing for me. During my 9th and 13th Birthdays, I was extremely sick for the entire week and unable to celebrate. Every other Birthday after those required me to go shopping for all of the favors, food, decorations etc. by myself, even at my early ages, since my mother and uncle refused to help me in anyway except for by providing me with some of the funds necessary to purchase the supplies, which, in itself, was considered my "gift". (even though I had to do ALL of the work) On my 14th Birthday, my Aunt Robin wanted to take me to get my hair done as an early present and my mom refused and yelled at her and her close friend when they came to pick me up, making a huge scene late at night. When I retaliated by screaming that I hated her, my Uncle decided to punish me by slapping me in the face for the first time, repeatedly, and his nails dug into my arm as he held me down so I couldn't get away. Actually, scratch that. Slapping is an understatement, it was more of a smacking me in the face. And while this was occurring, my mother just paused for about 30 seconds and watched him do it BEFORE she decided to come in and defend me by threatening him with a frying pan. Yeah, talk about dysfunctional family alright. SMH

But I think even in comparison to all of those horror stories, my Birthday experience that was by far the worse was my 16th. 2 weeks prior, my high school sweetheart and first REAL boyfriend had JUST freshly broken up with me, and at the time, he was my world. I was so depressed that nothing brought me joy, and while my foster mother and family organized a simple but nice party for me, I had to fake joy the entire time. And when it comes to receiving gifts, for some reason, I'm a TERRIBLE LIAR! Since I'm not used to opening things in front of people, it's really hard for me to lie about liking a gift I really don't like, and you can read this ALL OVER my face. And I guess it was also since I felt so crappy inside during this particular party, everyone KNEW which gifts I actually liked and which I didn't, which was humiliating and sad. I think I even ended up crying alone in the bathroom or back yard at a certain point to hide from everyone. Remembering this day gives me a painful sting just how recalling all embarrassing moments does. Ugh!

So because of all of these past incidents, actually enjoying my birthday and having fun is a really hard thing to do. I've always resented it and dreaded its coming and become relieved as soon as its gone away and come and past.

But this year, I want to turn that around! I want to really LOVE my birthday this year! It's my 21st and I'm super psyched to be going to Las Vegas with my Aunt Robin and a few close friends! It's something I've DREAMED of! And I've NEVER been out of the state in my entire life, so it's a great change of pace for me. I want to see the Blue Man Group and go dancing, and maybe gamble a little and drink a little and just have a BLAST! And because my Aunt Robin and I share this month for both of our birthdays, we want to make an effort to celebrate ourselves not just during the two special days, but for the WHOLE month! We DESERVE it! So wish me tons of luck and I will post about the adventure as soon as it happens!

And do look forward to more juicy posts coming this and next month!

                                                                                  Thanks for reading! :)