Just a little while ago, I had the pleasure of meeting a man who is so close to my ideal dream. He was about 5'10", long, wavy, dark brown hair, brown eyes with a bit of a golden glow, just a bit of stubble over his nicely sculpted chin and cheeks, thin, but not too skinny, with just a little bit of a pudge, sweet, considerate, intellectual, a great conversationalist, modest, kind, gentle, passionate and oh so affectionate. If I had to rate him on a scale from 1-10 regarding everything I want in a man, he'd get a 9.5 or a solid 10. He's the type of character I write about in my very own romance novels. He wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me.
I met him spontaneously on one of the dating apps that I swore to never use again, except strictly out of boredom for some fun and quick laughs. (*cough cough* "Tinder" *cough cough*) But this is when I had already given up on finding love. This is directly after I shared that post titled "Signs" with you all and had discovered that there's no need in looking for something to make me complete when my life already is.
But here was this polite, adorable stranger asking me out on a date unlike all of the other sex-crazed perverts on the app, and I was flattered and relieved. So I agreed.
We both decided that it would be more convenient for him to come to my place since that way we could just talk, cuddle, watch a movie on Netflix and get to know each other without spending any money, especially because we were both broke. Perhaps I fell into my own trap.
Our night was AH-mazing! We spent a little over 6 hours together just talking, watching a really awkward movie on Netflix (it's called 2 Days in New York and I would NOT recommend it! The plot gets lost and confusing and it's really weird. DON'T WATCH IT! It's a waste of time!), talking, getting to know each other, cuddling, kissing, and just holding each other. It was the BEST DATE of my LIFE! (by FAR!)
I was mesmerized by this guy! He was so endearing! And unlike all of the other overly aggressive and overtly sexual guys I've dated in the past who just touch you wherever they please, he bothered to ask permission before kissing me, before touching me, before holding me. It was the most refreshing thing ever! Sweetness, for me, is a weakness, and he had me at my most vulnerable!
He was such a gentleman (quite literally) and I thought I had FINALLY met "The One."
We seemed to connect on so many levels and as we were deep in conversation, I thought we were looking for the same things as well. So I was happy.
The next day, I was so high, I was dancing on the clouds! I felt butterflies in my stomach fluttering around all day, I listened to upbeat love songs randomly on my MP3 player and walked around with pep in my step. I was so glad to have finally found someone that I could ACTUALLY be with, especially after all of this time alone.
So, I talked to my best friend about it, and she was happy for me. And she reminded me that I should take the next step in asking him if he felt the same way. So I did. And it was NOT what I expected AT ALL.
The night before, he had told me that he liked strong, empowered women, much like myself, and that he admired me for it. He said he appreciated a woman who was decisive and assertive and was actually turned on by this. So, I went ahead and told him that I really liked him and wanted to see where this would take us. I asked what he thought about me and what he wanted out of this. His reply left me shattered.
He said that he didn't think we were a good match at all, that we weren't compatible and that he didn't want to lead me on, but would be open to being friends.
I was devastated.
I politely declined his offer to be friends as that would be such a tease. This guy was my vision of "The One," I got to be in his arms for a night, and now, he was rejecting me?
As much as I'd hate to admit it, I guess I really fell in love with him. Over the span of just a few hours. And I know what many of you are going to say or what you're thinking, "Wow, seriously?! In love with a guy on the first date? You must be desperate! You must be INSANE! That's pathetic." But you know what? Not to me. He was sooo close to what I picture in my mind for myself. If I had a checklist of every feature and quality I would want my ideal partner to have, he would get 99 out of 100! And it was absolutely crushing to know that he didn't feel the same way about me.
I was depressed for a couple of weeks. I cried every night. I felt broken.
After I collected my thoughts, I texted him again and asked exactly what he was looking for in a relationship. And he told me:
1) He was Vegan. And he needed to be with another Vegan. (pretty shallow, right?)
2) He knew I was waiting to have sex. (possibly until marriage) And he wasn't really willing to wait that long. (which is NOT what he told me when we were together. He said he didn't want to rush into sex too quickly because he had trust issues and had been hurt before. LIES!)
3) Because I was waiting to have sex, he insinuated that I was religious and he didn't want to be with anyone who would enforce this upon him. (which is insulting because I consider myself spiritual, but not at all religious!)
Yeah, for those 3 reasons, he decided that it was best not to be with me.
I would have been more than supportive and understanding of his Vegan diet! I was already planning out dates at all of the Vegan restaurants I know about! And I am waiting to have sex, yes, but he made it seem like he was too. And the religion thing? Seriously!?
This made me mad at myself. It made me want to change. I thought I was losing my soulmate and all because I had a different lifestyle than him. But at what cost?!
Why should I be the one to change? As women, why are we always the first ones willing to make sacrifices, compromise, and mold ourselves into what men want? (or better yet, into what society wants?)
Sex, to me, is sacred. I am a Demisexual in that I will only give in to such carnal pleasure when I am irrevocably in love with someone, possess a deep, emotional connection with them, and have complete trust in them. So yes, I will wait as long as necessary.
And I'm sorry I like to eat meat! But why should I change these things about myself for just one man? Just for one person?
The answer is I shouldn't. None of us should. But that was just it. He made me vulnerable, and affection always does.
Because I wasn't fortunate enough to have a good childhood with loving, supportive, considerate and empathetic parents, I am left with a void in my heart that gives me this relentless need for affection. It leaves me feeling empty.
And when I'm lucky enough to get an ounce of compassionate, tender affection, I cling onto it for dear life. It makes me high like a drug. I become addicted. And when it leaves, I face the bitter withdrawal that makes me sick and utterly sad.
So if there is anything I've learned from this experience, it's that I have to be careful with what I do with my heart, body, and mind. I have to be cautious with every man, or woman, I let into my room and onto my bed, even if it is just to cuddle and kiss.
It really sucks that it has to be that way, but I'm tired of being vulnerable. I am very giving of my heart and of my love, I am very open, but perhaps it's best I become more closed to protect myself.
Also, I got 2 more poems out of it:
"Tired Eyes and Subtle Smiles"
We lied together for hours,
In this room,
On this bed,
staring at the ceiling like it was covered in constellations,
peeking out the window for miles
deep in conversation
exchanging looks of admiration
with tired eyes and subtle smiles.
You held me in your arms,
kissed the surface of my skin,
turned me down to massage my back
suckled the bottom of my ear,
while breathing heavily on my neck,
your warm breath causing me to moan
and writhe upon the bed sheets
as your hands glided over me and
you brushed my hair away to wipe my lips
with the padding of your thumb
and softly squeeze my cheek between your fingers.
I liked you, and I thought you liked me too.
I thought so far ahead as to taking you out
to numerous dinners and finding places
all across the campus to sneak around and hide with you
and whisper, laugh, and share a kiss or 2.
But all dreams were crushed when I learned that you didn’t feel the same way,
it was only for a day,
and we went our separate ways.
But I still think about you,
and your kindness and gentle touch
and the passion that ignited in my heart
flames so vivid they would burn bright,
their embers floating through the cool still air of night.
And I still remember exchanging glances,
our tired eyes and subtle smiles,
me as giddy as a child
alive and wild
calm and beguiled.
The Love that Never Was
In my head
you were a piece of fiction,
a measly, mere ambition,
a product of fruition,
a dream of acquisition.
But then I got the chance to meet
everything I did envision.
And now I face defeat
since it ended in rescission.
I gained what I never had,
but then I lost the opportunity.
And now I’m driven mad
by the vacant possibility.
My frequent inclination
towards swift infatuation
is just a saturation
it’s a manifestation
of my dense deprivation
of and for consideration.
And all of this information,
this staunch realization,
was learned through the stimulation
of one deep, compassionate, intellectual
I thought it was worth believing
in what everyone else does. . .
So now, in my heart I’m grieving
The love that never was.
In my younger years, I was neglected
and you so luridly reflected
everything that I expected
that would have relished and protected
all of me left dejected.
One fervent night with you
was so influential.
But now it’s all askew
‘cause I’ve lost all of the potential.
Though grateful to have received your amorous affection,
I know now that it was never your intention
to leave me hanging here desperately craving your attention.
Looking back, I guess this is just my own perpetual projection.
I tried so hard achieving
and I guess that’s just because
I’ve always been grieving
The love that never was.
As published in one of my favorite magazines, The Painted Brain, in a comic by Sarafin, "Tragedy is a gift for the creative mind." This is definitely true for me. It's how I cope.
Immediately after this situation, I deleted every dating app off of my phone, and I haven't used any since.
I'm not giving up on love, per se, but I'm taking a break from it, as long as needed for my heart to heal.
And I am certainly not putting my time and energy into dating apps where it is wasted and never reciprocated.
I am tired of being hurt and rejected. What's best for me is to continue being happy through my relationships with close relatives and friends and the work that I do to achieve my goals and aspirations. My passions in writing, music, Feminism, fashion, film, Psychology and caring for others are what fulfill me, so I will thrive off of them. I will live and dream on.
As always, thanks for reading. <3