Hey everyone!
To read my latest blog post: "25 Things I Learned About New York", click on the link below! :)
The autobiographical excerpts of Sky's life, as well as educational pieces in the realms of Mental Health and Feminism/Social Justice.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Thursday, July 3, 2014
I'm Not Sure What I Want Anymore: In Regards to Dating (Online and in the Real World)
Hey y'all!
First of all, thanks to all of my continuous followers! I know I haven't made a post in forever and I apologize for that. But I appreciate your patience and your interest in my work.
Tonight's post is me going to be gabbing on about my love life. (or the lack thereof. Whatever.)
So, I've made a couple of posts about this already, but here's another one.
The other day, I happened to meet someone online. Well, actually, on an app. The Whisper app to be exact.
Now, I used to be very apprehensive about meeting anyone online. Let's face it, I thought it was embarrassing. It's certainly nontraditional and not necessarily an accepted method for meeting new people for everyone. But, to say the least, I've LITERALLY tried almost every online dating website that there is.
Plenty of Fish (which I HIGHLY do NOT recommend as I consider it the "projects" of the dating world. I have told this to numerous friends. Please excuse my insulting use of a microaggression, but it really is the WORST of all the dating websites. I met some serious perverts and assholes on this one.)
eVow.com (by the creators of POF. It's supposed to be more suited towards those rare folk who actually WANT romantic, committed, long-term relationships, but it's JUST as bad as POF if not worse! I will tell you about the "JackHammer" story later, for those of you who don't already know it!)
Match.com
eHarmony (which is A LOT different than it used to be. Back in the day when the website was first around, membership required you to take an entire day's worth of personality quizzes that determined your perfect match, which in reality is just a bunch of BS! I actually wasted hours of my life taking these quizzes and after all of my time spent, it said I was un-matchable! How ridiculous! Apparently I couldn't fit into any of their "categories". So be it! I'm happier I didn't! But now, the website doesn't even require you to do any of that, so there's no point to it.)
Zoosk
Black People Meet (um. . . whatever floats your boat, right?)
Christian Mingle
OkCupid (which I would recommend as the BEST free online dating place, if I didn't meet so many weirdos, jerks, and freaks on it. *rolling my eyes and SMH*)
Heck, I've even tried several hotlines and recently Tinder. (which is fun, albeit not the best place to meet someone serious. More oriented towards hook-ups)
Luckily, I have NOT been desperate enough to try Craigslist just yet. (and hopefully I never will, but my cousins and I ARE working on a parody of it called CraigsLust. I'll leave info about it sooner or later)
But, to get to the point, I would NOT be sharing all of this info with you and putting myself at risk for criticism and judgement if it were NOT to share my experiences with you and prevent you from making the many dating mistakes that I have. And I'm telling you, though there are a FEW lucky ones who DO happen to meet their "soulmates" through these mediums, if I were you, I would STAY AWAY from them altogether, just to be safe. If you want to meet someone, do it the old fashioned way, in public, at the coffee shop, in class, at the gym, at church, in a club, etc. Because I have had NOTHING but BAD EXPERIENCES with ALL of the online dating sites listed above.
With that being said, I was NOT looking to meet anyone the other day. Not at all. But it's funny how life just seems to work that way. You always get what you're looking for when you STOP searching for it. But perhaps this wasn't really what I was looking for. . .
like, . . . at ALL.
So here's what happened:
A few months back, right after my birthday, I made an investment in my first ever Smartphone. Before, I had REFUSED to purchase one because I was truly content with my regular mobile device that didn't have all of the sophisticated and fancy features that a Smartphone does. But, I quickly had to reevaluate my thinking when my normal "dumb" phone started acting up and shutting off whenever it felt like it. So, I had no choice but to get a new phone, and I decided to join the program and the current times by making the switch over to a Samsung Galaxy Express. Convenient because I can still have the AT&T GoPhone plan with it but also have the luxury of an Android. (no, I am NOT being paid to promote AT&T or Samsung in anyway, thank you very much)
Well, I started liking it a lot and taking advantage of all of the new features I was foreign to, and with the suggestions of a few of my friends, I downloaded several useful and fun apps. One of those being Whisper.
That being said, let me tell you right away, the Whisper app is ADDICTIVE! In case you don't already have it or know what it is, it's a place for local members to post anonymous confessions with cool pictures behind them, and anyone can "heart", comment, or reply personally to these confessions. So I thought it was REALLY creative and fun!
Well, . . . I got used to using it and happened to post a confession that got 99 hearts. My most EVER!
Because I'm not ashamed of my post or afraid to share my confession with the world (which, in fact, I'm actually proud of), here it is:
Before we know it, we start sending each other pics. And he starts calling me his babe. And he calls me beautiful, several times. (which I have a HUGE weak spot for because of previous affairs I'll mention later) And we kind of end up being a thing.
First of all, thanks to all of my continuous followers! I know I haven't made a post in forever and I apologize for that. But I appreciate your patience and your interest in my work.
Tonight's post is me going to be gabbing on about my love life. (or the lack thereof. Whatever.)
So, I've made a couple of posts about this already, but here's another one.
The other day, I happened to meet someone online. Well, actually, on an app. The Whisper app to be exact.
Now, I used to be very apprehensive about meeting anyone online. Let's face it, I thought it was embarrassing. It's certainly nontraditional and not necessarily an accepted method for meeting new people for everyone. But, to say the least, I've LITERALLY tried almost every online dating website that there is.
Plenty of Fish (which I HIGHLY do NOT recommend as I consider it the "projects" of the dating world. I have told this to numerous friends. Please excuse my insulting use of a microaggression, but it really is the WORST of all the dating websites. I met some serious perverts and assholes on this one.)
eVow.com (by the creators of POF. It's supposed to be more suited towards those rare folk who actually WANT romantic, committed, long-term relationships, but it's JUST as bad as POF if not worse! I will tell you about the "JackHammer" story later, for those of you who don't already know it!)
Match.com
eHarmony (which is A LOT different than it used to be. Back in the day when the website was first around, membership required you to take an entire day's worth of personality quizzes that determined your perfect match, which in reality is just a bunch of BS! I actually wasted hours of my life taking these quizzes and after all of my time spent, it said I was un-matchable! How ridiculous! Apparently I couldn't fit into any of their "categories". So be it! I'm happier I didn't! But now, the website doesn't even require you to do any of that, so there's no point to it.)
Zoosk
Black People Meet (um. . . whatever floats your boat, right?)
Christian Mingle
OkCupid (which I would recommend as the BEST free online dating place, if I didn't meet so many weirdos, jerks, and freaks on it. *rolling my eyes and SMH*)
Heck, I've even tried several hotlines and recently Tinder. (which is fun, albeit not the best place to meet someone serious. More oriented towards hook-ups)
Luckily, I have NOT been desperate enough to try Craigslist just yet. (and hopefully I never will, but my cousins and I ARE working on a parody of it called CraigsLust. I'll leave info about it sooner or later)
But, to get to the point, I would NOT be sharing all of this info with you and putting myself at risk for criticism and judgement if it were NOT to share my experiences with you and prevent you from making the many dating mistakes that I have. And I'm telling you, though there are a FEW lucky ones who DO happen to meet their "soulmates" through these mediums, if I were you, I would STAY AWAY from them altogether, just to be safe. If you want to meet someone, do it the old fashioned way, in public, at the coffee shop, in class, at the gym, at church, in a club, etc. Because I have had NOTHING but BAD EXPERIENCES with ALL of the online dating sites listed above.
With that being said, I was NOT looking to meet anyone the other day. Not at all. But it's funny how life just seems to work that way. You always get what you're looking for when you STOP searching for it. But perhaps this wasn't really what I was looking for. . .
like, . . . at ALL.
So here's what happened:
A few months back, right after my birthday, I made an investment in my first ever Smartphone. Before, I had REFUSED to purchase one because I was truly content with my regular mobile device that didn't have all of the sophisticated and fancy features that a Smartphone does. But, I quickly had to reevaluate my thinking when my normal "dumb" phone started acting up and shutting off whenever it felt like it. So, I had no choice but to get a new phone, and I decided to join the program and the current times by making the switch over to a Samsung Galaxy Express. Convenient because I can still have the AT&T GoPhone plan with it but also have the luxury of an Android. (no, I am NOT being paid to promote AT&T or Samsung in anyway, thank you very much)
Well, I started liking it a lot and taking advantage of all of the new features I was foreign to, and with the suggestions of a few of my friends, I downloaded several useful and fun apps. One of those being Whisper.
That being said, let me tell you right away, the Whisper app is ADDICTIVE! In case you don't already have it or know what it is, it's a place for local members to post anonymous confessions with cool pictures behind them, and anyone can "heart", comment, or reply personally to these confessions. So I thought it was REALLY creative and fun!
Well, . . . I got used to using it and happened to post a confession that got 99 hearts. My most EVER!
Because I'm not ashamed of my post or afraid to share my confession with the world (which, in fact, I'm actually proud of), here it is:
Isn't it cute and funny! ;) At least I thought so, and apparently 99 other people did as well.
And because I'm not a copycat and I LOVE to give credit where it's due, I actually thought this up after watching this YouTube vid, which is HILARIOUS, so check it out if you have the chance:
^^^This installment of Epic Rap Battles of History featuring Key and Peele is HILARIOUS!
Okay, to get back to the point of this blog post, I made that confession to be funny and honest, and I didn't think I'd end up meeting someone through it. But. I. Did.
I met this guy who seemed EXTREMELY sweet. We seemed to get along REALLY well. We ended up having a long, detailed convo that connected us at the hip and we learned that we had a TON in common. It was kinda creepy, actually.
Before we know it, we start sending each other pics. And he starts calling me his babe. And he calls me beautiful, several times. (which I have a HUGE weak spot for because of previous affairs I'll mention later) And we kind of end up being a thing.
So, he's here in NY. And guess what? I'm HERE IN NY AS WELL! (which I will blog about VERY soon, so be on the look out for that as well) And we decide to meet up.
Let's just say, at first, I was REALLY looking forward to it. This dude seemed too good to be true. And I was excited to meet him. He seemed like a very intelligent, romantic, compassionate, affectionate, and mature person, and I thought meeting him in person would be the best thing ever.
Well, it was not.
It wasn't HORRIBLE, per se. We had a REALLY intense make out sesh that was kind of the farthest I've ever went with a guy. And he was a total sweetheart.
But. . .
I just didn't feel anything. Like, . . . ANYTHING. AT ALL.
:( *major sad face*
So, I feel like a total bitch for leading him on. I REALLY thought there could be something between us, but I felt like there was NO chemistry AT ALL. And yes, he was kind, and he was sweet, and he was gentle, but IDK what's wrong with me!
I felt NO sparks. I felt NO excitement. I felt NO connection. And I felt BAD for it.
Maybe it was because we had a little TOO much in common. And I was thinking that in the beginning, how I shouldn't date a guy like him because he's too similar to me, and things wouldn't work out.
Perhaps I was right. I really don't know. But now, I'm really not sure what I want anymore.
I've gone on various rants where I express how I really don't mind the single life. And I do feel that way. (ESPECIALLY when I'm dancing dirty @ the club with sexy guys all over me, you know what I mean?!)
But deep down, there will ALWAYS be the part of me that is a hopeless romantic who wishes for so much more. But, will I ever even FIND more?
This guy was nice. He was REALLY into me, and I REALLY appreciated that and it made me want to be with him. But after being with him, I wanted to run away. What gives!?
I'm absolutely NOT afraid of commitment. That's NOT what it was. And I'm NOT afraid of trusting someone. That's NOT what it was either.
But it seems like every time I meet someone who really likes me, I just DON'T like them.
And vice versa.
Just a few weeks ago, I ended up meeting a REALLY cute guy on Tinder. I thought he was SUPER attractive, and he seemed VERY chill and laid back, which I liked a lot.
He came over and spent the night. (No sex involved. Just kissing and cuddling and sleeping in the same bed.)
I thought he seemed very patient and interested in me.
But when I never received another call, text, message, or reply from him at all whatsoever, I learned that I was mistaken.
How is it that guys have NO problem falling off of the face of the earth!? Like, WTF!?
I REALLY liked this guy, and he disappeared into thin air, not even leaving a note behind for me to understand why.
And I started blaming myself for it. Like, what could I have POSSIBLY done wrong to push him away?
Did he think I was unattractive? Was it because I gained too much weight? Did I look ugly in real life compared to my profile pictures? Should I have been wearing make-up? Was it my hair style?
Or was it the way I acted? Did I come off too strong?! Did I seem too desperate? Was I TOO affectionate? Was I too obsessive or passionate!? (Come on now, can you even be TOO passionate? Is that even possible?)
Or did I kick him in his sleep? I don't fuckin' know! But all of these irrational thoughts started filling my head and making me feel like a horrible person.
In Therapy, I discussed this, and my Therapist brought me to the realization that I was completely beating myself up about it. What if the problem wasn't me, but it was him?
So, I thought about it. What if he was afraid of intimacy? What if he wasn't ready to commit? What if he was intimidated by me? What if he felt inadequate compared to me? (I was working that night, and I was VERY busy, and he saw this. And perhaps he admired it and didn't feel worthy of someone as hardworking as me? IDK, it could be a possible answer.)
That all made me feel better about myself. But in the end, this guy was still pushed away. And I still don't know the legit reason why. And I really liked him.
Why does life work this way?! I just don't know anymore.
But when it comes to relationships, I guess I'm good for now. I'm good without one. Cause they're too confusing, too difficult, and I just can't seem to find chemistry with those who have a deep admiration for me, and those who I have a deep admiration for end up running the other way. So WTF!?
I'm just gonna continue to be happy with whatever life gives me. I'm in New York for crying out loud! On the other damn side of the nation when I wasn't even allowed to go outside as a kid!
And I'm in good health (I haven't gotten a cold all year long, which is a FIRST for me) and I have sooo many amazing friends who care about me, I have everything I need and I'm in really good spirits, so why NOT be happy?
As always, Thanks for reading. :)
Friday, May 30, 2014
Myths About Mental Illness
So much for weekly posts, . . . right!?
Mental illness is so often criminalized and villianized. Just look at the UCSB shooter we had last weekend. The media is already calling him "mentally disturbed" even though there's a much bigger issue at fault here: ingrained misogyny.
(^^^For more info on misogyny extremism, watch this video above^^^)
But that's not what I'm writing this post about. I'm writing about the myths associated with mental illness.
This past weekend, my father happened to be in town and visited my deranged (and estranged, rhyme intended) mother, and because her and I had a dispute a few weeks ago, it slipped out of my mouth that I have a mental illness and that I'm Bipolar and a sufferer of PTSD as well. I didn't mean to tell my mom, she's ridden with undiagnosed and untreated conditions herself (and she's the reason why I got put into foster care in the first place), and I knew she would blow the news out of proportion, but she made me angry while we talked over the phone because she consistently denied that the years of abuse she put me through ever happened and said that I must be "making them up", "making a false reality." So my shit hit the fan and the secret swept out, and now she has the notion that I'm on medication, which nobody told her! The truth is, I AM ON MEDICATION, because it's very important that someone like myself gets help, stays medicated, and seeks professional therapy and support from others, but these are things my mother will NEVER understand.
Anyways, where I was going with all of this: While my father was in town visiting my mother, she had the nerve to say, "If Sky is taking medication, she's going to end up like the UCSB shooter!"
This is the exact kind of statement I am trying to combat.
See, we constantly frame those who are mentally ill as "mad men" (and women) or monsters, psychopaths, or the most commonly used one of all, as "crazy", when this is not true.
May is
Mental Health Awareness Month, so I think it’s time to set the records
straight! Here are some common myths about mental health and what the truth
really is:
1. Having a mental
illness/disorder makes you ‘crazy.’
Having a
mental illness/disorder does NOT make you “crazy.” What it does make you is
vulnerable. Having a mental illness means that you have chemical imbalances in
your brain that might alter your thinking, destabilize your moods, or skew your
perception of reality to a degree, but that doesn’t make you crazy! It makes
you human! And with proper treatment, you can be as sane as anyone!
2. People with mental
illness are violent & dangerous.
Within
the last few years, we have had an increase in terrorist attacks and mass
violence. Whenever these disasters take place, the media is quick to judge the
suspects and label them as “mentally disturbed”, which is rather inaccurate. In
reality, only 3-5% of violent crimes in the U.S. are committed by persons who
suffer from a mental illness (Reference: Iva Cheung, “Sanism and the Language
of Mental Illness” 2015)
The
unfortunate truth is that individuals with mental illness are MORE likely to be
victims of violence than perpetrators. Disorders like Depression, Borderline
Personality Disorder, and Bipolar Disorder make sufferers more inclined to
inflict self-harm than to harm another person. You have no need to fear a
person with a mental illness just because of their diagnosis.
3. People with Bipolar Disorder are moody.
Bipolar
Disorder (specifically) does NOT necessarily equate to having intense mood
swings.
People so
often throw around the term “bipolar” to describe California weather. When they say this, it downplays the seriousness of the condition and creates misinformation about what Bipolar disorder actually is. They are referring to rapid changes, and Bipolar Disorder
doesn’t always work like this for everyone who has it.
What
Bipolar Disorder DOES do is cause you to have episodes (or periods of time)
where you might experience mania (high energy, rampant thoughts, inability to
sleep, grandiose ideas or perspectives, etc.) and depressive states (the
opposite, feeling very sluggish, sad, suicidal, etc.) These extreme highs and
lows take turns, but do not necessarily appear and disappear within the same
moment.
4. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is only a military man’s (veteran’s) disease.
PTSD
(specifically) is NOT just a military man’s disease.
ANYONE
can suffer from PTSD. A rape or sexual assault victim, a domestic abuse victim,
a survivor of a natural disaster, someone who’s suffered a loss, or even a
person who did not face any violence or physical threats themselves directly,
but happened to witness someone else who did (i.e vicarious trauma). The symptoms include having
flashbacks of that event or events, nightmares/night terrors, anxiety/panic
attacks, onsets of depression, reacting in a way as if the event is
re-occurring, etc.
And don’t
believe all of the movies in which a person supposedly has PTSD. As a sufferer
myself, I honestly think that super hero movies, (like Iron Man 3, The
Incredible Hulk, etc.) are better depictions of the disorder than other films
out there, and that’s a little pathetic if you ask me!
5. Psychiatric medications
("psych meds") are bad.
People
often tend to believe that psychiatric medicine is harmful or bad. That, or
they believe that "psych meds" are simply “happy pills” and “an easy way out” for
those with mental illness to avoid dealing with their problems. Again, this is
simply not true.
Just like
any other detrimental medical condition, mental illness is still an illness.
For many mental disorders, medication is necessary, just like it would be for a
Diabetic taking Insulin. For some individuals with mental illness, medication
is needed for survival. (myself included) For others, like those suffering from
mild to moderate Depression, Anxiety, or ADHD (for instance) medication can
help ease symptoms quite a bit so that they can function normally. And having
personal Therapy alongside taking prescribed medication regularly can greatly
improve one’s quality of life.
6. Seeking help for such
disorders will lead to being ostracized by one’s community/loved ones and make
symptoms worse.
Seeking
help for such disorders will and should NOT lead to being ostracized by one’s
community/loved ones nor should it make symptoms worse.
I know
it’s hard (really hard) to come out to anyone about possibly having a mental
disorder, especially because they’re so commonly misunderstood and people who
are uneducated tend to think that people are the way they are because of
nature, personality, or attitude. But when you do have the strength, courage,
and bravery to open up to someone else, you are working to alleviate the
stigma, increase awareness, empower yourself, grow as a person, become well,
and promote understanding of mental health! So don’t let being (or seeming)
vulnerable, irrational, or “crazy” scare you from getting the help you need and
correcting society’s false impressions and preconceived notions.
It’s
important that we do our part to protect ourselves and others from the hell
that mental illnesses can put us through, become autonomous and prevent
societal constructs from framing people as criminals and psychos for having
something they cannot control without the proper intervention.
Fun Fact: The stigma associated with mental illness is called Sanism. Just like Racism or Sexism, it is a form of oppression and discrimination. Let’s try our best to become educated and eradicate it!
Fun Fact: The stigma associated with mental illness is called Sanism. Just like Racism or Sexism, it is a form of oppression and discrimination. Let’s try our best to become educated and eradicate it!
Another
Fun Fact: There
is also a thing called the “Mad Pride Movement.” Just like the wonders of “Gay
Pride”, those with mental health issues are a closeted population. It’s time we
come out and stop being ashamed of who we are!
Let's change the world together one step at a time. . . Mad Pride!!!!
Sorry this was sooo late coming! As always, thanks for reading. =)
Sunday, May 4, 2014
May is Mental Health and Foster Care Awareness Month
Hi all!
So sorry I've been gone for so long, I've just been crazy busy, stressed out, and overwhelmed with family drama, health issues, and the work load these past few weeks.
However, I'm back because this is a VERY important month to me!
May is National Mental Health and Foster Care Awareness Month!
To avoid the awkward feeling of staying closeted and hiding my life from the public, I will come out and openly say that I have both Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Bipolar Disorder I. Though I have both of these mental disorders/illnesses, they do not have me.
I am also a former foster youth and this impacts my life and many others like me in several ways.
I find it rather funny how we live in a world where many people regularly take things to keep them awake when I have to take things to help me sleep. And many drug users and alcoholics love taking things to alter their mental states when I desperately take medication to maintain normalcy.
Other people take for granted having homes to go back to and families to trust when tons of former foster youth are not familiar with these things.
I talk about my diagnoses, health problems, and challenging background not to obtain pity or condolences from the general population (of my readers and friends, that is), but to gain understanding, awareness around such topics, and to relate to others who may also be suffering from similar ailments.
So, for this entire month, I will try my best (even though I'm ridiculously busy with midterms, papers, work, community service, etc.) to update my blog weekly with information and personal experiences surrounding these subjects. For those of you waiting to hear about how my Birthday Vegas trip went, I will eventually post about that, but not for a while since the discussions that have to take place this month are much more important.
So stay tuned for more posts about Mental Health and Foster Care Awareness, and, as always, thanks for reading! :)
So sorry I've been gone for so long, I've just been crazy busy, stressed out, and overwhelmed with family drama, health issues, and the work load these past few weeks.
However, I'm back because this is a VERY important month to me!
May is National Mental Health and Foster Care Awareness Month!
To avoid the awkward feeling of staying closeted and hiding my life from the public, I will come out and openly say that I have both Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Bipolar Disorder I. Though I have both of these mental disorders/illnesses, they do not have me.
I am also a former foster youth and this impacts my life and many others like me in several ways.
I find it rather funny how we live in a world where many people regularly take things to keep them awake when I have to take things to help me sleep. And many drug users and alcoholics love taking things to alter their mental states when I desperately take medication to maintain normalcy.
Other people take for granted having homes to go back to and families to trust when tons of former foster youth are not familiar with these things.
I talk about my diagnoses, health problems, and challenging background not to obtain pity or condolences from the general population (of my readers and friends, that is), but to gain understanding, awareness around such topics, and to relate to others who may also be suffering from similar ailments.
So, for this entire month, I will try my best (even though I'm ridiculously busy with midterms, papers, work, community service, etc.) to update my blog weekly with information and personal experiences surrounding these subjects. For those of you waiting to hear about how my Birthday Vegas trip went, I will eventually post about that, but not for a while since the discussions that have to take place this month are much more important.
So stay tuned for more posts about Mental Health and Foster Care Awareness, and, as always, thanks for reading! :)
Monday, April 7, 2014
The Birthday Blues
Hi all!
Soooo sorry I've been sooo gone for sooo long! I was super busy with Finals at the end of last quarter and then I was taking a staycation from everything during Spring Break and settling in during the first week of this quarter, but now I can continue posting juicy stuff!
April is my month! Yep, I'm an April baby, which I love because the Spring is always a beautiful season and I'm definitely an Aries at heart and Diamonds are indeed a girl's best friend. ;)
However, even so, my Birthday has always been something I've dreaded. For as long as I can remember, it's always been a day I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Not just because I'm not too used to others celebrating me or paying sooo much attention to me, but because something has always gone wrong. During my 8th Birthday, my grandmother soiled herself at my cousin's house, causing the entire place to reek and forcing us to air it out and have everyone temporarily evacuate because the odor was that pungent and disgusting. Though all of my friend's parents were laughing it off, it was extremely embarrassing for me. During my 9th and 13th Birthdays, I was extremely sick for the entire week and unable to celebrate. Every other Birthday after those required me to go shopping for all of the favors, food, decorations etc. by myself, even at my early ages, since my mother and uncle refused to help me in anyway except for by providing me with some of the funds necessary to purchase the supplies, which, in itself, was considered my "gift". (even though I had to do ALL of the work) On my 14th Birthday, my Aunt Robin wanted to take me to get my hair done as an early present and my mom refused and yelled at her and her close friend when they came to pick me up, making a huge scene late at night. When I retaliated by screaming that I hated her, my Uncle decided to punish me by slapping me in the face for the first time, repeatedly, and his nails dug into my arm as he held me down so I couldn't get away. Actually, scratch that. Slapping is an understatement, it was more of a smacking me in the face. And while this was occurring, my mother just paused for about 30 seconds and watched him do it BEFORE she decided to come in and defend me by threatening him with a frying pan. Yeah, talk about dysfunctional family alright. SMH
But I think even in comparison to all of those horror stories, my Birthday experience that was by far the worse was my 16th. 2 weeks prior, my high school sweetheart and first REAL boyfriend had JUST freshly broken up with me, and at the time, he was my world. I was so depressed that nothing brought me joy, and while my foster mother and family organized a simple but nice party for me, I had to fake joy the entire time. And when it comes to receiving gifts, for some reason, I'm a TERRIBLE LIAR! Since I'm not used to opening things in front of people, it's really hard for me to lie about liking a gift I really don't like, and you can read this ALL OVER my face. And I guess it was also since I felt so crappy inside during this particular party, everyone KNEW which gifts I actually liked and which I didn't, which was humiliating and sad. I think I even ended up crying alone in the bathroom or back yard at a certain point to hide from everyone. Remembering this day gives me a painful sting just how recalling all embarrassing moments does. Ugh!
So because of all of these past incidents, actually enjoying my birthday and having fun is a really hard thing to do. I've always resented it and dreaded its coming and become relieved as soon as its gone away and come and past.
But this year, I want to turn that around! I want to really LOVE my birthday this year! It's my 21st and I'm super psyched to be going to Las Vegas with my Aunt Robin and a few close friends! It's something I've DREAMED of! And I've NEVER been out of the state in my entire life, so it's a great change of pace for me. I want to see the Blue Man Group and go dancing, and maybe gamble a little and drink a little and just have a BLAST! And because my Aunt Robin and I share this month for both of our birthdays, we want to make an effort to celebrate ourselves not just during the two special days, but for the WHOLE month! We DESERVE it! So wish me tons of luck and I will post about the adventure as soon as it happens!
And do look forward to more juicy posts coming this and next month!
Thanks for reading! :)
Soooo sorry I've been sooo gone for sooo long! I was super busy with Finals at the end of last quarter and then I was taking a staycation from everything during Spring Break and settling in during the first week of this quarter, but now I can continue posting juicy stuff!
April is my month! Yep, I'm an April baby, which I love because the Spring is always a beautiful season and I'm definitely an Aries at heart and Diamonds are indeed a girl's best friend. ;)
However, even so, my Birthday has always been something I've dreaded. For as long as I can remember, it's always been a day I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Not just because I'm not too used to others celebrating me or paying sooo much attention to me, but because something has always gone wrong. During my 8th Birthday, my grandmother soiled herself at my cousin's house, causing the entire place to reek and forcing us to air it out and have everyone temporarily evacuate because the odor was that pungent and disgusting. Though all of my friend's parents were laughing it off, it was extremely embarrassing for me. During my 9th and 13th Birthdays, I was extremely sick for the entire week and unable to celebrate. Every other Birthday after those required me to go shopping for all of the favors, food, decorations etc. by myself, even at my early ages, since my mother and uncle refused to help me in anyway except for by providing me with some of the funds necessary to purchase the supplies, which, in itself, was considered my "gift". (even though I had to do ALL of the work) On my 14th Birthday, my Aunt Robin wanted to take me to get my hair done as an early present and my mom refused and yelled at her and her close friend when they came to pick me up, making a huge scene late at night. When I retaliated by screaming that I hated her, my Uncle decided to punish me by slapping me in the face for the first time, repeatedly, and his nails dug into my arm as he held me down so I couldn't get away. Actually, scratch that. Slapping is an understatement, it was more of a smacking me in the face. And while this was occurring, my mother just paused for about 30 seconds and watched him do it BEFORE she decided to come in and defend me by threatening him with a frying pan. Yeah, talk about dysfunctional family alright. SMH
But I think even in comparison to all of those horror stories, my Birthday experience that was by far the worse was my 16th. 2 weeks prior, my high school sweetheart and first REAL boyfriend had JUST freshly broken up with me, and at the time, he was my world. I was so depressed that nothing brought me joy, and while my foster mother and family organized a simple but nice party for me, I had to fake joy the entire time. And when it comes to receiving gifts, for some reason, I'm a TERRIBLE LIAR! Since I'm not used to opening things in front of people, it's really hard for me to lie about liking a gift I really don't like, and you can read this ALL OVER my face. And I guess it was also since I felt so crappy inside during this particular party, everyone KNEW which gifts I actually liked and which I didn't, which was humiliating and sad. I think I even ended up crying alone in the bathroom or back yard at a certain point to hide from everyone. Remembering this day gives me a painful sting just how recalling all embarrassing moments does. Ugh!
So because of all of these past incidents, actually enjoying my birthday and having fun is a really hard thing to do. I've always resented it and dreaded its coming and become relieved as soon as its gone away and come and past.
But this year, I want to turn that around! I want to really LOVE my birthday this year! It's my 21st and I'm super psyched to be going to Las Vegas with my Aunt Robin and a few close friends! It's something I've DREAMED of! And I've NEVER been out of the state in my entire life, so it's a great change of pace for me. I want to see the Blue Man Group and go dancing, and maybe gamble a little and drink a little and just have a BLAST! And because my Aunt Robin and I share this month for both of our birthdays, we want to make an effort to celebrate ourselves not just during the two special days, but for the WHOLE month! We DESERVE it! So wish me tons of luck and I will post about the adventure as soon as it happens!
And do look forward to more juicy posts coming this and next month!
Thanks for reading! :)
Monday, March 10, 2014
As Our Foremothers Swore (Short Collection of Poetry)
As I mentioned in the previous post, I was really excited to have
the opportunity to work on a creative project for my English M107A, Women's
Literature course. This is not the entire assignment because some of the poems
were already included in posts prior to this one, but here are a few that were
inspired directly from the texts we studied in class. What I wanted to do was
adapt the format and style of writing from the authors we discussed, but still
give each poem my voice and my story. So in order to show you the
comparisons and contrasts, I've included the original works we went over in
class as well as my renditions. The title is adopted from my poem
"Society" mentioned in my last blog post, "When it rains, it
pours." Enjoy!
In Celebration of My Uterus
By Anne Sexton
Everyone
in me is a bird.
I
am beating all my wings.
They
wanted to cut you out
but
they will not.
They
said you were immeasurably empty
but
you are not.
They
said you were sick unto dying
but
they were wrong.
You
are singing like a school girl.
You
are not torn.
Sweet
weight,
in
celebration of the woman I am
and
of the soul of the woman I am
and
of the central creature and its delight
I
sing for you. I dare to live.
Hello,
spirit. Hello, cup.
Fasten,
cover. Cover that does contain.
Hello
to the soil of the fields.
Welcome,
roots.
Each
cell has a life.
There
is enough here to please a nation.
It
is enough that the populace own these goods.
Any
person, any commonwealth would say of it,
“It
is good this year that we may plant again
and
think forward to a harvest.
A
blight had been forecast and has been cast out.”
Many
women are singing together of this:
one
is in a shoe factory cursing the machine,
one
is at the aquarium tending a seal,
one
is dull at the wheel of her Ford,
one
is at the toll gate collecting,
one
is tying the cord of a calf in Arizona,
one
is straddling a cello in Russia,
one
is shifting pots on the stove in Egypt,
one
is painting her bedroom walls moon color,
one
is dying but remembering a breakfast,
one
is stretching on her mat in Thailand,
one
is wiping the ass of her child,
one
is staring out the window of a train
in
the middle of Wyoming and one is
anywhere
and some are everywhere and all
seem
to be singing, although some can not
sing
a note.
Sweet
weight,
in
celebration of the woman I am
let
me carry a ten-foot scarf,
let
me drum for the nineteen-year-olds,
let
me carry bowls for the offering
(if
that is my part).
Let
me study the cardiovascular tissue,
let
me examine the angular distance of meteors,
let
me suck on the stems of flowers
(if
that is my part).
Let
me make certain tribal figures
(if
that is my part).
For
this thing the body needs
let
me sing
for
the supper,
for
the kissing,
for
the correct
yes.
In Celebration of My Mind
(My rendition)
Everything
in me is a word
and I
am singing loud.
They
wanted to lobotomize you,
magnetize
you,
shock
you with 450 volts,
but
they will not.
They
said that you’d turn out impaired,
but
you are not.
They
said that you were schizo,
but
they were wrong.
You
are as sharp as a machete
You
are not defective.
Sweet
waves and impulses,
in
celebration of the intellect I am
and of
the human I am
and of
the spirit and heart I have
I sing
for you. I dare to be different.
Hello
imagination. Hello unseen world.
Information
center that does compute
Hello
to the formation of dreams.
Welcome
thoughts and consciousness.
Each
neuron has a mission.
There
is enough to rule the world.
It is
enough to maintain sanity
and
teach logic and reason
to a
school of children knee deep in fantasy and pretense
Any
educator, any professor would say of it
“It is
essential that we establish discipline
and
follow rules and structure, but question what may seem unfair.”
Many
others are realizing this:
one is
in a hospital having an epiphany,
one is
at the doctor learning her diagnosis,
one is
at a conference panel sharing her story with listeners,
one is
at the therapist regaining strength from her struggles,
one is
in a jail cell, receiving help for the first time
one is
at home playing with her children
one is
talking to herself to make sense of it all
one is
in the middle of going off on a fellow employee
one is
on the phone with the operator of a hotline
one is
throwing the razor blades away
one is
walking away from the bar
one is
taking her medication before bed while writing this account
in the
middle of LA and one is
anywhere
and some are everywhere and all
seem
to be rationalizing, although they
were
called insane.
Sweet
waves and impulses,
in
celebration of the intellect I am
let me
write a thousand poems
let me
remember times good and bad
let me
put up banners for the festival
(if
that is my part).
Let me
study the atmosphere
let me
examine the tissues of our skin
let me
smell the fragrance of flowers
(if
that is my part).
Let me
decorate the altar
(if
that is my part).
For
this thing the body needs
let me
sing
for
the evening,
for
the kissing,
for
the capable
yes.
La Migra
By Pat Mora
I
Let's
play La Migra
I'll
be the Border Patrol.
You be
the Mexican maid.
I get
the badge and sunglasses.
You
can hide and run,
but
you can't get away
because
I have a jeep.
I can
take you wherever
I
want, but don't ask
questions
because
I
don't speak Spanish.
I can
touch you wherever
I want
but don't complain
too
much because I've got
boots
and kick--if I have to,
and I
have handcuffs.
Oh,
and a gun.
Get
ready, get set, run.
II
Let's
play La Migra
You be
the Border Patrol.
I'll
be the Mexican woman.
Your
jeep has a flat,
and
you have been spotted
by the
sun.
All
you have is heavy: hat,
glasses,
badge, shoes, gun.
I know
this desert,
where
to rest,
where
to drink.
Oh, I
am not alone.
You
hear us singing
and
laughing with the wind,
Agua
dulce brota aqui,
aqui,
aqui, but since you
can't
speak Spanish,
you do
not understand.
Get
ready.
Abusi sui minori
(My rendition)
I
Let’s
play abusi sui minori
I’ll
be the aggressive parent
You
be the innocent child.
I
have many years on you,
am
fully grown
and
have bigger hands and longer arms
with
more strength and muscle than you do
You
can hide and run
but
you can’t get away.
You
cannot question my authority
I
can punish you however I want
because
you are still a minor
and
have no rights under my custody.
I
can hit you wherever I want
but
don’t scream or cry too much
because
I have the articulation
to
change the story
when
the cops and social workers come.
Get
ready, get set, run.
II
Let’s
play abusi sui minori
You
be the aggressive parent.
I’ll
be the innocent child.
You
have been reported to the police,
are
ragged, set in your ways, and only getting older.
I
am youthful, full of energy, and resilient.
You
are unaware of your inner demons
I
am not.
You
do not know your own strength
I
do.
You
can’t see me,
I
am no longer physically in your presence
But
you can still hear me taunting you
non
mi può prendere
Get
ready.
The Window of the Woman Burning
by Marge Piercy
Woman
dancing with hair
on
fire, woman writhing in the
cone
of orange snakes, flowering
into
crackling lithe vines:
Woman
you
are not the bound witch
at
the stake, whose broiled alive
agonized
screams
thrust
from charred flesh
darkened
Europe in the nine millions.
Woman
you
are not the madonna impaled
whose
sacrifice of self leaves her
empty
and mad as wind,
or
whore crucified
studded
with nails.
Woman
you
are the demon of a fountain of energy
rushing
up from the coal hard
memories
in the ancient spine,
flickering
lights from the furnace in the solar
plexus,
lush scents from the reptilian brain,
river
that winds up the hypothalamus
with
its fibroids of pleasure and pain
twisted
and braided like rope,
firing
the lanterns of the forebrain
till
they glow blood red.
You
are the fire sprite
that
charges leaping thighs,
that
whips the supple back on its arc
as
deer leap through the ankles:
dance
of a woman strong
in
beauty that crouches
inside
like a cougar in the belly
not
in the eyes of others measuring.
You
are the icon of woman sexual
in
herself like a great forest tree
in
flower, liriodendron bearing sweet tulips,
cups
of joy and drunkenness.
You
drink strength from your dark fierce roots
and
you hang at the sun's own fiery breast
and
with the green cities of your boughs
you
shelter and celebrate
woman,
with the cauldrons of your energies
burning
red, burning green.
Window into a Prisoner of the Mind
(My rendition)
Patient
suffering in your
lonesome,
patient crouching up against the
padded
cell, twitching
with
tremors caused by the chemicals
isolated
from all of society;
ostracized
Patient
a
slave to your own thoughts and desires
that
no one else understands
mind
running rampant
non-stop
with
wicked voices eating away at your brain
Patient
you
are not mad
you
are not truly alone
you
will not rot away in quarantine.
Patient,
there
are others like you
there
is hope
though
they are suffering too
they
will be revived
and
not only survive,
but
thrive.
You
are a savant
you
are brilliant
though
your head is crowded with
heaps
of what’s nonsensical
flashbacks
that play on repeat
and
rewind over and over
coercing
you to ruminate
ever
distant torment
causing
you to remember at the same time you forget
forcing
you to assemble
and
constantly reset
that
possibility that you might be a hero
but
you just haven’t grasped it yet.
You
are the revolution
fitted
into the compartments of a single vessel
stirring
with velocity
within
the constraints of your specimen.
You
will come out of your haze
to
see better days
become
as free as a butterfly
to
graze the sky
and
fly away.
There’s a lot more deep stuff
about to come in the future posts, so stay tuned.
And
as always, Thanks for reading. =)
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