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The Pan-Romantic Demisexual Flag, courtesy of "Pride Flags for Us" Tumblr Page |
When
I was a young girl, I truly believed I was a heterosexual. My family didn't go
to church or wasn't especially religious in any way, but I did do bible study
lessons which I received in the mail by an organization called the Child
Evangelism Fellowship Mailbox Club. (CEF) I considered myself an adamant
Christian at the age of 8 and was strict about avoiding premarital sex
throughout my pre-teen to young adult years. I honestly thought that being a
homosexual was a sin. Besides that, it didn't help that my own mother told me,
"If you're a lesbian, I will disown you. God forbid you be something
despicable like a criminal or a lesbian."
I
had my first crush on a boy in first grade. His name was Joseph and he was very
cute, but he smelled nasty. During a class autobiographical presentation, he told
everyone that he had a pet skunk, which explained why. I worked with him on one
project and felt excited, but that was the extent of our association. I had
several crushes on other boys throughout elementary school, but in middle
school, I completely lost interest.
In
high school, I had what I called a "Cuties List" of 10 guys who I
thought were the hottest in the whole school, and it was my mission to talk to
all of them and befriend as many as I could so that I could potentially enter a
relationship with one. I got to know more than half of them, learned that many
were jerks, was able to have failed relationships with two and got slapped in the
face by reality.
I
remember during my junior year, there was a really beautiful girl in my Physics
class. I was considered the smartest student in the class, so many of the
struggling seniors would come to me during class for help with their
assignments. Most only wanted to copy off of me, which I was fine with at the
time since I understood they needed to pass in order to graduate. It was a bit
annoying, but I shared my answers with them anyway. But one of the seniors was
so beautiful. I think she was Latina, maybe mixed with something else, I don't
know what. But she had pale skin, long, silky, wavy, luminescent black hair,
and big, dark, brown eyes. I would zone out and stare at her during class. I
think she noticed, and maybe was a bit weirded out or creeped out by it, but
she didn't seem to care, because she knew I was cool since I let her copy off
of my homework. I thought at the time that I was just envious of her beautiful
features and gorgeous hair. I had always imagined having long, straight,
luxurious hair myself, so I convinced myself I was only admiring her
appearance, nothing more. But now I realize that this was my first crush on a women.
I
had a best friend in high school who was Bisexual, and she constantly asked me
out, but I refused. I just wasn't into her like that and I told her I didn't
"go that way." We made out once because I was going out on a date
with a mutual guy friend and wanted to perfect my kissing skills. I may tell
everyone else I know that the date is where I had my first kiss, but the truth
is that my first kiss was with her. I just didn't regard it as a true
"first kiss" since I had no feelings for her and only did it to gauge
my skills.
I
dated a few guys during high school, had horrible relationships, and then
resorted to dating sites online. I still had no luck and many uncomfortable
experiences, all with men. But in New York, I had my biggest crush on a girl
ever!
I
went to New York for a summer abroad in college. While there, one of my
classmates was this beautiful blonde chick, fair skinned, thin frame, with sea
blue eyes and a short, perky hair cut that showcased her blonde locks. She
looked like a supermodel! I stared at her often, whenever we were out on a tour
or in between classes. She had a boyfriend, of course, who looked like a more
muscular and manly version of Ryan Reynolds, so I stayed away. But again, I
just thought that I was drawn to her because I adored her looks. It wasn't
until I started having dreams about marrying her and fantasies that I realized
it was more than that. I was having feelings for this girl, she was super sweet
and friendly. I really didn't talk to her much during the trip, but when I did,
she was such an amicable person. I even spent my spare time writing a song
about her! I told my Aunt and Grandmother and they laughed it off, thinking I
was joking around. I learned later that I wasn't.
After
the experience, I went home to my cousins. I simply told them that if a girl
asked me out, I wouldn't hesitate to date her and give her a chance. My
youngest cousin threatened to punch me. I didn't bring up the subject again.
I
pondered it for another year before I finally realized that I was Pansexual.
The prefix "Pan" is Greek for "All" or "Any",
referring to any human, regardless of whether they identify as Male, Female,
Transgender, Intersexual, Gender Non-Conforming, Non-Binary, Gender Fluid, or even Agender.
Pansexuals are predominantly attracted to people regardless of gender identity or expression. I know for myself, it more so based on personalities & aesthetics. For many of us, there is a bit of an emphasis placed on diverse genders & more Androgynous expressions of traits or appearance. I started to notice
that I was attracted most to Cisgender Men, Cisgender Women, Femme Men, and Transgender Females & Males (MTF & FTM). But I still wasn't sexually active or
willing to engage in sexual relations with just anybody. This then made me
realize that I am also Demisexual. A Demisexual is a person who cannot develop
sexual attraction unless they have a deep, emotional connection with another
person. The prefix "Demi" means "Halfway", referring to being
in the middle of Sexual and Asexual. (It is a part of the Asexual, or “Ace”
spectrum) This rang especially true for me as I might think a person is good
looking, but I will not be truly attracted to them until I get to know them,
become intellectually stimulated and develop a strong emotional bond. (You
could also consider me a Sapiosexual as I am attracted to intelligence as
well.)
So,
I now know that I am a Pan-Romantic Demisexual. I have come out to everyone I
know and have since received acceptance and support. A majority of my relationships have been with men, but it is no longer because I am conforming
to society's standards. I didn't choose
to fall in love with them, but I did. I am happy that my sexuality enables me to
not discriminate against a person's gender identity or expression and gives me
the capability of falling in love with anyone. It wasn't until I understood
this and accepted it that I was able to fully achieve self-love. <3
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PRIDE! |
Thanks for Reading. = )
Our journeys in a lot of ways are identical. Lol Thank you for writing your story. I just realized and pieced together that I am as well a pan-demisexual and have for the longest identified as a sapiosexual but I thought I was just bi. Anyways, so happy you found your soulmate!
ReplyDeleteHi, good for you! I don't know how I came across this, nor do I ever comment on things, but this is nice! Good for you! Fuck, who cares right? I've done some experimenting myself and I know what I like, who I love and I get the best of all worlds. Good for you. I have no idea what I am "term-wise" like you being Pan-Demi. There are so many ways to say what you may be, who you may be, and how it is you "are"
ReplyDeleteIf you wouldn't mind, or anyone that is reading this, email me and maybe spark a conversation up about this. I'm intrigued. Hmm.. Talk later! Great post. Sincerely, CJ
curtistech90@gmail.com
DeleteI had a lot of similar experiences to this! Because of how I was raised, I ended up repressing a lot of my crushes on girls, but once I realized I was demisexual rather than just defective, I started remembering a lot of that stuff from my younger days. I'm in a cis/het marriage and I even have kids, so I'm always assumed straight, but people don't realize that I'd met my spouse after I figured out being demi-panromantic is okay, it could've been a man or a woman. Good for you for sharing your story! I'd like to write a big "coming out" thing, but it would draw too much unwanted attention from all the very conservative scary people around me. It's no secret that I identify as demi, but telling my story will take more time I think. I enjoyed reading your experience!
ReplyDeleteIn this time of affectation, the author has composed each word with his entire being filled it.
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